Honestly, I don’t really know how I am doing. It’s different every minute. What a crazy year it has been. It’s been very difficult learning to navigate life on my own these past four months. I’ve never lived alone in my life, I went from living with my parents to living with a husband 48 years ago. Quite the transition from living with someone all your life to living alone. It is quite lonely, to be honest.
So, how is the grief journey going? I’m getting through, that’s about all I can ask for. Some day’s I’m not feeling too bad, and others I cry at the drop of a hat. Thankfully I have a deep faith in God, and that is helping me through. I don’t know how I’d get through otherwise.
The hardest thing for me right now is that I cannot focus or concentrate for very long. That’s a natural part of grief called “Widow’s Fog”, but it really makes it hard to get things accomplished. Also, I have stiff joints and knee pain from the stress. I’m working on getting less stressed so that I can feel better.
I used to craft a lot, especially making jewelry, but I cannot get myself to craft yet. I even closed down my Ebay, Poshmark, and Etsy stores for now. I don’t know when I’ll feel like opening them again, but I just can’t deal with other people’s problems right now. I did buy myself a small 3D printer and I have been using that. Sometimes I’ll leave items around the city for others to find. Hopefully that will make them smile.
I have been trying to put myself out there and meet new people. I’ve joined a Facebook group of local senior women who get together for lunches every month. I’ve also joined a Facebook group of local widows and widowers who get together for dinners a couple of times a month. I’ve been reaching out to friends and going to lunch with some of them a few times a month. It has been very good just to get out and socialize and feel somewhat normal for a little while. I am going to Grief Share at my church, which hopefully will help.
I’ve done a couple of weekend trips just to get away from the house. The Myrtle Beach trip wasn’t too bad; the ocean always helps to soothe me. But Savannah wasn’t a great trip, it was so hot, and I was glad to get home. I have planned a couple of solo trips for the future, one to Myrtle Beach again, I’ll just sit on the balcony and watch the ocean. Also, I have planned a solo cruise for December. I figure I can stay home alone and cry all the time, or I can take a cruise and maybe make some new friends. I was going to take an overnight bus tour instead, but a five-day cruise was cheaper. And there may be a trip to Disney World coming up. It’s with my family but I’m not sure if it’s going to happen. Fingers crossed!
I’m also starting to check on women’s solo group tours to see if there is anything that will fit what I’d like to do. If I take a group tour, I won’t be alone, and maybe I can get back to the UK at least one more time. I really want to do that. I’d love to do England and Scotland if I can work it out. Maybe in the Fall of 2027 if it works out.
What has been the hardest part?
Besides really missing him, having someone to talk to and someone to travel with, it’s been the cleaning out of his things that is the hardest. I detest clutter, and he was a hoarder of some things. The garage was piled high with tools of every sort. Now honestly, why would he need 200 screwdrivers? lol Men out there…let me know. I’m determined to declutter it all, I’ve put similar tools in their own piles and put the things I need to keep in their own pile. I’ll have a garage sale in October to try and get rid of some of it. The rest will go to charity.
Then, it’s so hard going through his clothes and deciding what to do with them. I cannot get rid of his tropical shirts, they’re too much him. I’m going to have to find a craft to use them for once I can bring myself to craft again. The things that didn’t remind me of him went to the homeless. That included his shoes and underwear. I’ve kept the shirts that are so familiar to me, I don’t know what I’ll do with them. Everything brings so much emotion. Of everything else, I let my daughters pick first. After that I made a memory box, and a little bookshelf with a sort of museum of things he made and collected.
Another really difficult thing, especially since I’m not focusing well, has been all the paperwork associated with him and his death. Credit cards to get his name off of, insurance and annuity to take care of, banks that need to know, the house deed needs changed, a new will that I need to make, etc. I’m sure that I’m missing so many things. Every time I think of something I put it on the to-do list, but it’s getting very long and I just can’t concentrate enough to get it done.
I had to sell both cars and get something more reliable for me with a warranty. That was way out of my comfort zone, I hate haggling. I sold his car to Carmax, got an offer from Carmax for my car, and took it to the dealership. I told them which car I wanted, and what I wanted for my trade in. I was kind of proud of myself, I think I did a good job for the first time buying a car. He always did the bargaining, and I must have been listening.
On the bright side, I managed to replace my kitchen faucet by myself instead of paying the $280 plumber fee. But now my dryer has stopped heating, and I don’t think I can fix that, so I’ll have to find an appliance repairman soon. It’s always something.
And I do appreciate all of the friends who just accept what I’m going through without trying to change who I am. No one can know what this is like if they haven’t gone through it themselves. I know that I didn’t understand before.
And that’s what life is like for a new widow, who never thought she’d be having to deal with all of this. You just never know what the next day will bring, so don’t let things go unsaid ever. You may regret it.
The Quiet Cruiser 