It’s been over six weeks since my husband and travel partner went to be with the Lord. Honestly, it still hardly seems real to me. He was here one night and gone unexpectedly the next morning. I’ve been telling everyone to say what they need to say to their partner now, because you never know what could happen. This is not something that you expect to happen. I never got to say goodbye.
The word “widow” just seems so sad, and I don’t feel single, at least not yet. So, now what do I do? I obviously am not the same person that I was the last time I told him good night, so who am I? Eventually, I have to reinvent myself, and maybe I have already started, I don’t know.
Learning new things
I’m finding out that I can do things that I didn’t think I could do. That first week I discovered that the bedroom window was off the track and the springs were totally broken. I asked the church for help because the window could have been pushed in from outside very easily. I was told that help would come, so I ordered the parts I needed on Amazon and tried to wedge the window into the frame as best as I could. I got the springs and let the Pastor know I had the parts, but no one got back to me. I watched a YouTube video, those are wonderful, and I learned how to get the springs in and did it myself. But I couldn’t get the window back into the spring shoes, which are attached to the springs. I asked for help again, but again no one called back. So, I watched another YouTube video and managed to figure out how to get the window back into the frame. Someone called back from the church a week later. Sorry, but I couldn’t go that long with an unsafe window that someone could push in. So, lesson learned was that I need to rely on myself from now on.
I’ve also learned through YouTube how to start a battery powered lawn mower and weed eater. My neighbor is mowing my front lawn when he does his, but I can’t ask him to do the back yard too, and no one can see it anyway. I’ve mowed it once, and since then have taken the weed eater to it, but those weeds are back the next morning, I swear. Boy, I miss him mowing the grass, that’s for sure. You don’t realize just how much a husband really does until you have to do it all yourself.
Buying a car on my own for the first time
My car, a Kia Rio, was getting older and was out of warranty. I loved that car, but we had two older cars and now I need something with a warranty that I can rely on. He always took care of the cars, and I don’t have a clue about them. I was going to wait a while to buy, but one morning I was looking online at cars and a new 2025 Kia K4 in the color Black Pearl was at the price I was willing to pay for a new car. For some reason I felt compelled to get it. I swear I was ready to run down there and pay for it right away, but I made myself wait till the next day. I did do my homework, I thought about what he would do, and did it. He had been a car salesman and knew how to bargain.
Before I went to the dealership I got a quote for my car on Carmax. Carvana offered $1000 less, so I took the Carmax offer with me. This was all out of my comfort zone, I am the Quiet Cruiser for a reason. I call myself an introverted extrovert, but I hate bargaining. I think that he would have been proud of me though, I think I was channeling him. I came out with the trade in value I wanted, and pretty close to what I wanted to pay for the car. I used his technique of getting up and getting ready to leave, and of course the price came down even more. I then sold his 2015 Kia Soul to Carmax and had them pick it up. I’m learning to do a lot. When I brought the car home a dragonfly came to the windshield and just stared in at me for the longest time, just flying there in place. And it came back when the Carmax guy took his car. I think it was a sign that I did a good job.
About Signs From Him
And speaking of signs, I’ve discovered that it’s not safe to tell most people about them. I don’t see why there can’t be signs from a departed loved one in Heaven, with God’s permission of course. I’ve seen them before, when my parents and other loved ones died. We are spirits in our own body shell, and we will be spirits after we die. But some people just cannot accept that, and can’t accept that I believe it because it makes them uncomfortable. They don’t want me to have the freedom to believe what I believe so they try to change my mind. I’ve been asked bluntly if I’m going crazy, or people have tried to make me come around to their own views on the subject. And that is incredibly annoying. I’ve seen too much in my life to not believe in signs. So, from now on I will only share with those who have the open mindedness to believe that there is more to us than just living on the earth. Lesson learned.
Father’s Day
Father’s Day was hard for me and the girls, with lots and lots of tears. I’d imagine that every single holiday will be hard from now on. I’m already wondering what to do for Christmas, I just don’t know if I want the big tree that we usually have. I may scale down a bit this year. I didn’t go to church on Father’s Day, I just sat home and grieved as much as I wanted to. Who knew that this would be so hard?
More Tasks
And today I did another job out of my comfort zone since I hate making phone calls. I had to take his name off of all of our credit cards and shred them. It was sad, but I’m glad it’s done finally. There are so many things to do that I’d never thought of. Plus, I don’t even have his death certificate or cause of death yet, so that limits what I can do. I still have bank accounts to deal with.
He signed a new contract with AT&T two days before he died, I guess I’ll just keep both phones for now, he got a good Senior deal with internet included, and I needed the new phone anyway.
Organization
So, that’s how it’s been going. No one tells you how tired you’ll be, and how it’s so hard to focus on anything. I’ve lost two pairs of glasses, I’ve now taken to wearing them around my neck. And I have to use his phone to find my phone half the time. I haven’t felt like crafting, but I’d like to get back into it soon. I have opened my Poshmark and Ebay shops again. I have not started crafting again, I just don’t feel like it.
I have also felt that I have to organize everything, partly because I don’t like clutter and he had a lot of that, and partly because I can’t find anything. I started with the garage, he had so many tools. The girls and their husbands took what they wanted and I’ll have a garage sale in the Fall when it cools down. I kept what I may need, mostly the battery powered tools. His clothes are mostly going to the Homeless Shelter, although I’m keeping his favorite tropical shirts and t-shirts to make a quilt or pillows or something.
Travel
As for travel, I did take a solo trip to Myrtle Beach on the one-month anniversary of his death. I just wanted to stare at the ocean and try and relax a bit. I am also hoping to go to Gatlinburg in July. We were actually supposed to go there for a sibling reunion a few weeks after he died, which of course got cancelled. I’ve always wanted to go to Anakeesta and the Titanic museum, both of which he wasn’t interested in, so I may do that. I just feel that I need to get away.
I hate being a widow, but I’d imagine most widows do hate it. It’s harder than I could have ever imagined. I’ve never been alone in my life, and now I have to navigate everything by myself. I miss him, I miss having someone to talk to and travel with. I’m so thankful that we took our 10-day cruise in March. I’m thankful that I still have my faith in God, and I know that I’ll get through this eventually. And I know that he’s okay and looking down on me. But that doesn’t mean that I understand what happened, and why it happened. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that it hadn’t happened.
The Quiet Cruiser 